Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
