tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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