hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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