She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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