Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
