When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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