Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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