omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
