Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
