This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
