How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
