my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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