I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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