Christians are straight up FREAKS
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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