My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
