I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
