I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So vagazzling was a success
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
