i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
