You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
