way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
