I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
