On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
