By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The adults are the big ones right?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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