you guys were way drunker than both of me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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