So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
