I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
