Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Enjoy the penises
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
