That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
