Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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