Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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