Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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