The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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