i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
PANTIES FOUND
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