Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
