even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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