I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it's like heaven, but drunker
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
