A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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