Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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