his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
