This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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