all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
