I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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