i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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