Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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