i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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