Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
