can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
