i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
