just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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