I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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